A Late Post and an Early Valentine :-)

Roses are red….violets are blue. Spring always comes late to New York….and Jess’s blogs do too.

Haha. I couldn’t bear to start another blog apologizing for my blog being so late in coming. It’s a good thing I have dad to remind me every month or so when my last blog was written and Mrs. Zaccos to remind him! I personally can’t figure out why blogs are all the rage. They lack the privacy of a dairy and the response of a letter. Is my generation really so cut off from the world that we need to pour our thoughts into cyber space to feel like someone’s listening? Do we crave so much to be heard that we don’t even care if there’s a response. A relationship? I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t knock blogs. I mean, in what other way would mom’s co-workers know about my time here? In what other way would my high school teachers and extended relatives get a peak into my life here? It takes a lot of time to write letters (and then I have to worry about them surviving all the way to America). And it takes just as much effort to get on a computer and write emails (and God only knows when the electricity and the internet will be cooperating with me on the same day). Back in the old days of Peace Corps volunteers were pretty much cut off from the world. Mom and dad couldn’t call on holidays—because there were no cell phones. Friends couldn’t write emails or post on Facebook—because there was no internet. In college Dr. Stewart always reminded us to reflect on whether or not technological advancement is good. There seems to always be an assumption that it is. I wonder in this case if it’s true. I mean, if I were cut off completely from the US, I would be able to dive completely into my life here. I’d focus on the relationships here. I’d work through the issues of life with my friends here. I’d care about the news of here. I would be fully and utterly here. In all likelihood, that kind of focus and dedication would probably make me a better volunteer. A better member of this community. But is that the only goal of Peace Corps?
For those of you who don’t know much about Peace Corps. This is an organization with three main goals. They are roughly, 1) To provide education and human capital to help aid development. 2) To help promote a better understanding of the American people on the part of the peoples served. 3) To help promote a better understanding of other peoples on the part of the American people. Part of my aim in writing this blog is to help my friends and family back home have a better understanding of the amazing culture I am experiencing here in Tanzania. I hope that I’m somehow reaching that goal and if there is anything you ever want to know more about, please…PLEASE let me know!

Beyond that, I’m personally thankful to have a blog to write in. I feel like I’m only really exposing the very tip of the iceberg of what I’m experiencing here, but it seems that if I can share that tip of the iceberg with people even while I’m still here there will be a greater common ground to stand on when I get home. A place to start the conversation. Because let’s be honest, if I get home and have to answer questions like, “So…how was it?” I’m gonna be stumped.

Ha. I’m not really sure where this rant came from. I didn’t have it in mind when I planned this blog, but I suppose it sheds some light on why my blog entries are always so late. I guess what it boils down to is this: it’s hard to hold a one-way conversation, but in this circumstance I have hope that the occasional effort I put in will help you gain a small insight into another fascinating place in this big world, but will also help me when I come home to be a place to start talking and to pick up long-unattended to relationships. So I guess I’ll move on now, but I guess I should also quickly say thank you. Thank you for taking the time to learn about someplace so far and remote from you while you’re in the midst of your busy life. And thank you for caring enough about me to take the time to read my hideously long entries. I look forward to seeing ya’ll in person again and having a good chat.

Now….on to the meat. I bet your asking yourself what in the world I’ve been up to the last few months. Here’s a bit of a rundown.

For those of you who initially thought I sounded “bored” in Tanzania (Aunt Martha, Uncle Bill!), you’ll be happy to know that work is keeping me quite busy these days! November was an incredibly busy month for me. Since the Tanzanian school year runs from January-December (unlike our September-June set up) I was very busy trying to finish the HIV/AIDS portion of the secondary school life skills curriculum with my students before they finished began their finals and headed home. I did manage to finish the entire HIV/AIDS portion of the curriculum (including facts and myths about HIV/AIDS, the immune system, HIV transmission, the relationship between STDs and HIV, women and HIV, HIV prevention methods, disease progression and positive behaviors, HIV treatment, human rights, and behavior change), so that was really exciting! Next we’ll be moving on to communication skills. Since I studied communication in college and well….since I love to talk….I’m really looking forward to starting that chapter this month! My fifth graders (the only students I taught on the primary level) have no covered chapters on bullies, handicaps, HIV/AIDS, sexual abuse, and general safety. I’m not sure yet if the school principal wants me to move on with these students to sixth grade and finish the chapters on puberty, life changes (good and bad—a very important topic here with the amount of HIV/AIDS), and human rights and responsibilities. I’m very much in love with these students so I’d love to move on with them, but I also think it would be fun to have a new class. I guess I’ll just let the principal make the call.

The choos (rhymes with toes not too) are coming along well. We’ve hit the occasional roadblocks, but I’m trying to remain positive. The rainy season has indeed started, but the teachers, the school building committee, the craftsman, and the parents, all seem eager to continue. I hope they will be done soon! I’ll keep you all updated. In the meantime here are some pictures to let you see the process. As you can see the walls are finished and the roof is on. They have begun applying cement to the inside of the walls and inserting the window frames as well. The plan is that the entire building will be done this week minus the floor because the school committee is considering buying ceramic sinks for each stall instead of making them out of cement as originally planned. Ones the floors are done we’ll just be waiting on the village to dig the hole for the tank! It’s been a pretty stressful under-taking thus far, but it’s also amazing to see something go from the abstract planning stage to physical manifestation before your eyes. I think especially here where so much of my work’s benefits are invisible, I take a lot of pride and happiness in seeing something tangible come to be thanks to the combined efforts of my family and friends at home and here in my village.

My PLWHAs group, Upendo, is continuing to progress really well. I’m really proud of all they’ve accomplished since we began just over six months ago. Our garden is looking GREAT as you can see from the pictures! It’s pretty amazing that we get fresh greens and tomatoes enough for everyone in our group every two weeks! They are also really hoping to extend the garden and add more crops. In December we started giving microloans to group members. I made them wait until the monthly contributions were in and they had all sat through educational seminars and planning meetings. It was a pretty joyous day when I finally put the money in their hands! It will be very interesting to see what they are able to do with these small loans (all under $20). Last week group members also participated in a workshop on how to properly raise chickens. There’s a lot of chicken farming here, but because people do not know how to properly care for their chickens many get sick, die, or don’t produce a lot of eggs. This workshop was the first step in a PEPFAR grant I wrote to benefit the members of Upendo. Currently we are buying the supplies and making plans to build a banda ya kuku or chicken coop for every household in the group! The members are absolutely ready to move forward, but due to the rise of prices of building supplies during the rainy season, I’m a bit hesitant to get started. My supervisor Stewart Lupembe is a livestock expert and is helping me tremendously with this project. I’m sure as soon as we work out the kinks due to the price fluctuations we’ll be good to go! I think the thing that is exciting me most about Upendo now is that the members are now really starting to take responsibility for the group. They sometimes come with ideas or lessons to share or encouragement for the group. I can honestly say that the members of Upendo help get me through the occasional frustrations that I deal with here. They are an amazing group of people.
That being said, we as a group just went through a great loss as we lost our first group member to AIDS. Somedays I am able to harden and do my work more clinically here, but as I sat in Yuvilati’s kitchen and cried with her mom and sister whom she left behind, my work suddenly became very personal again. As I sat in that funeral I had a hard time focusing on the words I was singing. I was thinking more about what I could have done differently. Could I have visited her more in the hospital? Could I have spent more time at her home? Was there something I should have taught about? Was there something I was too scared to say? To busy? It’s funny how self-centered I get at a funeral. Is that human nature in general or just me? I either find myself thinking about what I would do if I lost a loved one or what I could have done differently in my relationship with that person. Maybe that’s selfish, but maybe it’s good. Maybe that keeps life in perspective for us. Maybe it helps push us forward. Maybe it helps us keep our minds on what really matters. I’ll be honest, while I was thinking about what really mattered I started to wonder if there is really any other work that I’ll have in my life that is more important than this. I began to look around the room and see my friends, many HIV positive, many a part of Upendo. I wondered if I could ever have a job in the US that could touch lives like mine does here. I wondered if I should leave them in a few months. I wondered if I would bother to mourn for their deaths when I live across an ocean. I wondered if they would ever really know how much I care about them. But at the same time I started to think about home. About my parents, family members, friends. For the first time I felt the ache of the pull between my two homes. And since that day, the feeling hasn’t really gone away. “Should I stay or should I go now….” Are no longer cute words to a song, it’s a truly pressing question in my heart.
November was also an incredibly busy month because I was preparing my village’s World AIDS Day celebration on December 1. I really wanted to chose a powerful theme for the event and after brainstorming with students, teachers, my counterpart and friends I got the idea from an unlikely place…my mom! J While talking on the phone with my parents my mom mentioned that since Tanzanian Independence Day was the week just after World AIDS Day maybe I could do something related to freedom. I decided on “Uhuru ni Uwezo” or “Freedom is Power.” I wanted to stress to my community—especially the young people that their personal freedom is powerful. They’re free to make healthy choices. They’re free to protect themselves. They’re free to test. They’re free to speak out. They’re free to know the truth. They’re free to live openly. They’re free to live with hope. They’re free to change the world. It turned out to be a pretty powerful theme….and it also was great for decorating purposes! Ha….guess I’ll always love a theme party.

I worked really hard to especially include my students in the event. I started by preparing a poster contest for the fifth and sixth grade students at the primary school. The idea of the poster contest was to get my life skills students thinking about World AIDS Day, but also to promote the event around the ward (Tanzania’s rough equivalent to a county). I bought flip chart paper and used the markers and pens that were provided by the members of St. Paul’s Lutheran Church for the kids to use. The teachers at the school were very cooperative and gave me plenty of time to prepare. First, we discussed the goals of World AIDS Day. We talked about how World AIDS Day is a day when people can learn more about HIV/AIDS and available resources in our community and villagers can have the opportunity to educate their neighbors, friends, and relatives. We talked about the need to reduce stigma. Finally we talked about the need to promote a higher sense of responsibility among the community as a whole to attack the problem of HIV/AIDS. While the students seemed to understand all the goals of World AIDS Day and the theme, they had a hard time understanding the concept of a poster contest. I’ll admit I was personally really frazzled and frustrated as I tried to explain the concept over and over again. No matter what I said or what examples I used, almost every child in the classroom would create an identical poster. My students are so used to copying EXACTLY what’s on the blackboard that an assignment that required visual creativity was incredibly difficult. At first I found myself criticizing the lack of creativity my students seemed to be displaying, but then I remembered that my students are amazingly creative writers and many have gifts in music that would be unfathomable in the US. The resources to support the visual arts, however, are not available or seen as a priority here. Eventually my students did get the idea and excelled at the project, which seems to be an illustration for how these kids will continue to overcome challenges in their lives. All in all, I was very pleased with my students. They did a great job making the posters and drawing a lot of attention to the event.

I also tried to create a special exercise for my secondary students. I decided that in lieu of a final exam I would give them something more practical. I created an HIV/AIDS Scavenger hunt. Again, this was a very new idea for my students. I asked them to find stores that sold condoms, get free condoms, visit local free clinics to test for HIV/AIDS, talk to church and government leaders about the HIV/AIDS crisis, talk to friends and family about their personal experiences with HIV and finally to give feedback on all the HIV/AIDS information they’d learned throughout the year. To be honest, the scavenger hunt was a near failure. Most students didn’t participate in the event and the few who did (less than 5%) did a very poor job. They fabricated answers and a few even downright lied (I’m tricky and gave all the places they were supposed to go special pens for the signature so I would know when they just were filling it in). I have come up a lot of answers to why this exercise was such a failure. 1) They’d never heard of a scavenger hunt before and the idea just didn’t make sense. 2) They were busy with finals and/or were already home after national exams. 3) They’re lazy. 4) The things I asked them to do were just too embarrassing. Excuse one and two are sort of understandable. Choice three just makes me down right mad. But it’s choice four that has me concerned. My students live in a community that is devastated by HIV/AIDS, but they can’t talk about it. My students know what condoms are and how to use them, but despite the fact that they can save their lives the stigma involved keeps them from obtaining them. My students can test for free at two places within walking distance, but again….I believe the stigma keeps them away. I remember when I first got here I asked if there was a lot of stigma around here. The resounding answer from everyone was, “No.” But I think they were only referring to one kind of stigma—the one directed at people living with HIV/AIDS. Sure, that’s still around, but my community generally accepts and treats people living with HIV/AIDS with respect. On the other hand though, there is great stigma related to positive health behaviors, such as using condoms or going to test. People see both of these gestures as admittance that a person has “bad behavior.” And no one (especially students) wants to risk that. Personally, some of the answers I received back to my life skills sessions were so incoherent I was afraid I had taught my students nothing. Although on the flipside there were also students who’s answers were so accurate and detailed I suspected they may have stolen my manual. Maybe that’s a good place for me to be in as an educator. The worst answers make me want to strive to do better and the best answers give me the confidence to know that I’m reaching some kids and maybe, possibly….actually making a difference in their lives.

After attending a community theater workshop in June, I was really excited to help my students prepare skits for World AIDS Day. The Fema Club from Bulongwa Secondary School prepared a play about the danger of alcohol use. Their drama showed that even well-educated, strong individuals can make poor and dangerous choices when under the influence of alcohol. Several of my life skills students from Mahulu Primary School also performed a play about the issue of fatakis. A fataki is a grown-up [man] who preys on young girls, usually students, for sexual companionship. This is a huge problem in Tanzania because these young girls often are living on the edge of poverty, so they enter into dangerous situations for basic needs and sometimes, even more upsetting, luxury items like shoes, clothes, phones, or money. The students performed a drama that empowered young girls to say no to easy money and also put responsibility into the hands of parents and community members to protect their children. The final play was performed by the women of the Miss Uhuru pageant (more on that to come). These women performed a skit that showed that educated and empowered women can and must make a stand to protect themselves against HIV/AIDS through abstinence, being faithful/testing, and/or using condoms. The skits were all really well-down, but not exactly in the “participatory” manner that we learned at the workshop. I hope that as I continue to work with my students they will be more prepared to use skits to start discussions that can cause real change in this community.

The Miss Uhuru pageant was an idea I got from a video I saw in college about Botswana’s Miss HIV Stigma Free Competition. This was a real beauty pageant in which all the contestants had to be HIV positive themselves or have a direct relative infected with the disease. I heard both criticism and praise about this event. Some people said the event was excellent. It showed that if you used ARVs you could live a positive and healthy life. It gave people courage to test and also helped reduce the stigma directed at PLWHAs. Others saw it as a bad thing. They said it glamorized HIV and made it into “no big deal.” They also feared that the lavish prizes given to the winners gave the message to people that if you need money or stuff—get AIDS. As I prepared this event, I tried to keep both sides of the coin in mind. I really believed that if I focused more on what the women SAID than on how they LOOKED it could be a really positive event. I can teach until I’m blue in the face, but these women who live the already difficult lives of women in a developing country gave first-hand accounts that not only encouraged people to test and live positively, but also to protect themselves and remain healthy. In my village I feel like the idea of HIV as no big deal, isn’t too much of a problem since people are sick and dying here daily, but I did have some serious concern about the idea of being rewarded for being HIV positive. This brings up a very difficult issue with my work. A lot of times I do provide “leg-up” type assistance for PLWHAs. Is this fair? Some of my villagers seem to think not, but I’ve seen the difficult lives these people lead. I’ve seen there children, and I have a hard to thinking that it isn’t crucial to sustaining families and in the long-term potentially the community at large. That being said, maybe the fancy gifts I gave to the participants weren’t necessary, but I felt like these women also deserved a reward for their bravery. No matter what anyone says, getting up and declaring your HIV status in front of 500 people isn’t easy. I have literally nothing but praise for the five women who were chosen for the competition and the 4 others who applied. All are amazing women who are caring well for themselves and their families. They spoke eloquently and with bravery. Not just to get a prize, but to be heard. Do fight AIDS. To help their communities, relatives, and friends. We only chose one Miss Uhuru, but they are all winners in my book. Pardon the colloquialism.

The afternoon hours on World AIDS Day were filled with soccer, free magazines and prizes, and testing! I got the help of PIUMA a local HIV/AIDS NGO and the local hospital in order to set up a testing booth in my village. In one afternoon 44 people got tested, many being referred to the hospital for treatment and PIUMA and Upendo for assistance. It has been difficult in the past few weeks talking to my friends and neighbors who tested positive on World AIDS Day. I am sad to hear that a friend is sick, but I’m encouraged that they tested and are now getting help. It was even more exciting to hear that some people who were afraid to test did so because they knew they had the support of Upendo group if they did test positive.

In the evening everyone headed to the neighboring church. The pastor and church elders agreed to help me prepare a candle light vigil. Parishioners came to remember those who lost their lives to HIV/AIDS, but also to pray for those who are infected and affected by HIV, including widows, orphans, PLWHAs, and their caretakers. It was a very emotional service, but it was incredibly powerful to hear the needs related to HIV/AIDS lifted up in prayer. It seems that since HIV has become such a huge part of life here, sometimes it’s taken for granted or ignored in a lot of ways. I really hope that by getting the church involved on World AIDS Day that they’ll continue to keep HIV/AIDS related issues in mind throughout the year.
Overall, I was really happy with the way World AIDS Day turned out. I was incredibly stressed out and sometimes not always kind, but despite myself, the event was really successful. My students learned a lot through attending but also by preparing and teaching themselves. My PLWHAs not only spoke well but proved to themselves what they’re capable of. The village and church leaderships learned what was possible when they worked together. And the HIV/AIDS organizations were brought together to really help the community.

That being said, after World AIDS Day was over, I was exhausted and went on vacation! I also used quite a bit of December relaxing and rejuvenating for the coming year! I enjoyed decorating my house with Bret and my neighbors as well as making a ridiculous amount of Christmas cookies! It was fun sharing my traditions with my friends here. In turn they took care of me on Christmas day. Christmas here isn’t a day filled with presents and Santa. Here we go to church in the morning to celebrate the real meaning of Christmas. Again this year I participated in the church Christmas play…this year as a wise man! After church Bret and I went around to our friends houses where we ate ridiculous amounts of food and danced to Tanzanian gospel music. I was so grateful for the love while away from friends and family. Bret and I tried to show our appreciation with words, but I think the gift bags filled with Christmas cookies did the trick a bit better!

The holidays did indeed give me a bit more time for “extracurriculars” while here. Bret, Marie and I made some pretty amazing food and treats! On Thanksgiving we made chicken, gravy, homemade stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, carrots, cobbler, and pie! It was quite a feast and it was topped off by a can of cranberry sauce I got in a care package (thanks mom and dad!). Bret and I made mouth-watering Christmas cookies over the charcoal stove: red and green Amish cookies, peanut butter jam print, chocolate fudge, no bakes, oatmeal butter squares, and toffee bars. Apart from special holiday foods, I also have recently made lasagna, mom’s mac and cheese, and corndogs!

I’ve had a bit more time for reading too since school let out. If you’re interested here are the books I’ve read:
· Magical Thinking by Augusten Burroughs
· A People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn
· Objects in Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear by Katharine Weber
· The Nine by Jeffrey Toobin
· The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
· Mountains Beyond Mountains by Tracy Kidder
· Cowboys Are My Weakness by Pam Houston
· Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone by J.K. Rowling
· Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling
· Wicked by Gregory Maguire
· Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom
· Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver
· Green Hills of Africa by Ernest Hemmingway

That’s it for now. I don’t have too much else to say other than Happy New Year! Hope this finds you all happy and healthy! I don’t really have a New Year’s resolution other than to stop missing things from the US that can’t come in a care package….So here’s the list and I promise it’s the last time I mention them til I get home.
· Canned soup
· Dairy!
· Mom and grandma’s cooking
· Christmas shopping with dad
· Cereal
· The library
· The news (readily available)
· Prime-time tv dramas (I know…)
· My friends and family
· The freedom of having a car
· Seeing my brother’s latest hairdos
· Weddings

And no….I’m not ashamed that 1/3 of that list has to do with food. Hahaha….Happy New Year!

PS....I know I said I'd post pictures but the computer isn't exactly cooperating. I'll try and get on that ASAP!